...

Here we goooo. Hello blog, I'm back. This space is meant to reacclimate myself to my lineages, histories, truths, and shadows.

Today I want to start a better practice of uploading what I transcribe during that day. In it, I will include a brief summary and/or reflection of what is discussed, then provide the transcript at the bottom.

This 5 minute segment holds some vulnerable truths for Cely surrounding her relationship with husband (my Lolo Eric) and his machismo.

C: That's why, you know, there's– that's the thing that comes now. That one I learned from the church, that you know what, I don't want to have a broken family, because I know my kids are still small. You know in the Philippines, if you are separated, they look so bad at you. You know the culture is so different! You didn't mind to even– you have to be patient, you have to accept it, you have to blah blah, like that! See? So sometimes... Z: Mmm. Did you ever think about leaving him? C: I always think about leaving, but you know what, what I'm thinking, you know, he's the kind of– always the one who abuse, they don't want their wife to leave, you know. They will lose something. In the Philippines, he might do something to me, or what, or how about what will happen to my kids? Yeah, what will happen? They cannot live with him, what will they do? So I don't want, really, to make ano because, if he will, maybe he will hit me, or maybe I will be in jail, but we already have a fight. I really, oh... Because everything, when it comes to the extent that it's already so full, you know, you have to let go, yeah, you have to let go. So I have a lot of, what's this, sometimes, you know, proverbs or sayings that's not– in our language it says that, you know, when you– in the market, when you buy rice, there's a container that you, one container like that, and then, if it's full they have to scrape it. Z: Can you say it in Tagalog? C: Tagalog? Uhm... Kong sobra na ang bigas, dapat alasin na. You have to use something that will make it even, not like (*gestures*) that. So that's like a person. If your temper, you know– you keep on patient patient patient, it's already building up, it's already so high, (*makes a flat motion with hands*) you need to do that. Z: You need to release that, yeah. C: Because that's not the right thing. That's too much, that's abusing already, see? ... I don't know. But that's why your mom said, I am so surprised. Me, I will be 83 on June, but look at me. Z: I know, so strong! C: Yeah, still. But sometimes, you know, because I have borderline diabetes, sometimes, really if I'm really stressed, I feel that, you know, sometimes there's something poking like that. That's the sign I think of your sugar is so high or sugar is down, you know. Because you know, your body will react to your brain, if you really, so. So what I do, if I really, you know, if I cry, I get, ano. I feel good. Z: Feel better. C: Yeah! It is true, I read that, you know, the release of stress, when you cry and you have tears, and then after that I feel good, so I have to pray I'm happy. Oh it's okay. I always think, lots of people have more serious problem than mine. Me? I can eat three times a day, I have a roof to stay in. How about other people? They are sick, they are mentally sick, they have nothing, they are blah blah like that. I'm much better, you know? So thank you lord, you know? That makes me, you know, it's okay. Much better than them. (*laughs*) Z: Mindset of abundance, you know? Like, just, I think you've talked about it before, having abundance in your life, you know, thinking about it that way. C: Yeah, tha's why, you know, that's why I'm not so materialistic.